Porn Again Christian - Mark Driscoll

Be advised that this blog post contains subject matter that may not be suitable for a younger audience. This blog post is also written specifically for men. If you are a wife, ask your husband first. If you are an unmarried lady, go ahead and skip this one…

ep•i•dem•ic | ˌepiˈdemik |
noun
a widespread occurrence of an infectious disease in a community at a particular time: a flu epidemic.

  • a disease occurring in such a way.
  • a sudden, widespread occurrence of a particular undesirable phenomenon: an epidemic of violent crime.

adjective
of, relating to, or of the nature of an epidemic: shoplifting has reached epidemic proportions. Compare with endemic, pandemic, epizootic.
New Oxford American Dictionary 3rd edition © 2010 by Oxford University Press, Inc.

Is epidemic too strong of a word for the current state of Christian men who struggle with pornography? Is it really that big of a deal to look at porn and masturbate? Maybe epidemic is not the right word. Maybe I need a stronger word. The truth is that pornography is affecting our lives in ways that many of us might not even realize.

To put it bluntly, Satan wants to ruin your life. The weapon in his arsenal is the lie. He plants lies in your mind until one sticks and you start believing it. Let me start with some lies you might be believing.

  • It’s just a way to relieve stress.
  • It doesn’t really hurt anyone.
  • It keeps me from committing bigger sins like adultery.
  • It’s educational.
  • It’s just a part of being a man.
  • I won’t need it anymore when I get married.
  • It’s just masturbation, I’m not sinning if I’m not lusting.
  • It’s the only way I can fall asleep.

You can find responses to these lies and more in Mark Driscoll’s FREE e-book, Porn Again Christian. I want to specifically recommend chapter 6 based on some recent conversations I’ve had with multiple friends in recent weeks.

Let me tell you my story.

I first started hearing sexual subject matter around the age of ten when a friend of mine explained what a boner was. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time but that would be the start of me exploring my sexuality. Not having very many friends in sixth grade, I would listen to the things that the other kids were talking about on the bus. I would imagine myself in the situations they were describing and undress girls in my mind.

In seventh grade, I had a couple friends from my church come over to my house to hang out. We got on the computer and one of them showed me how to find free pornography online. It only took one look to get hooked. For years I would surf the web looking for new places to find images of naked women and hard-core porn. I even got caught by my mother at one point, but that only stopped me for a few days. I just learned how to hide it better.

As high school progressed, our internet connection got better, and I upgraded from finding pictures to free pornographic videos. Some sites would ask for my age, but I would just lie. I was hiding the truth from my parents anyway, so what was the big deal. I was highly involved in my church and youth group, and was even a leader with the middle school. I led worship at youth group and went on at least one date with half of the girls there. I went on mission trips and even got baptized. I had a double life, but no one knew about who I was when I was alone in a dark room in front of my computer screen.

During my senior year in high school, there was this girl that I really liked even though she had a boyfriend. I don’t know if she noticed that I liked being around her, but she set me up with her best friend. I convinced her to come to youth group with me once or twice, but she wan’t into it. To be more accurate, she didn’t like the Church or the people because she believed them all to by hypocrites. It wasn’t long before our relationship started getting physical, and I was proving her theory correct. I was the biggest hypocrite of them all.

The first time I had sex was like the first time I saw a photo of a naked woman. I was hooked and it became a part of who I was. It wasn’t even a special thing to me any more, but rather a few minutes of fun that I could have whenever I wanted. My addiction to porn had desensitized me, and the feeling of sex just made me want it even more.

When I graduated from high school, my relationship with that girl began to cool down. I was getting ready to go off to college and she was getting ready for her senior year. A couple months into college, I called her to break up with her. I wanted to move on form high school and focus on my studies. She asked if I had found another girlfriend at school. My answer was no, and then she proceeded to tell me that she was pregnant.

At that moment, my life changed. I fell into a bit of depression, though I think I hid it well. I would sleep late and barely make it to my classes. For a brief time I wanted her to have an abortion. I did not want this to taint the image I had made for myself and I just wanted to leave it in my past. She said no when I brought it up, and I realized that I agreed with her. I knew I had to tell people because there would be no hiding it.

I was asked to step out of the leadership roles I had in my church with the middle school and worship ministries. My mom did the things that I should have done in caring for my pregnant x-girlfriend. I could barely live with myself for that entire season of my life, but I still hid it from everyone at school. That was still a separate world for me.

It wasn’t until mid February, 2001, that I began to show signs of life to the world around me again. For the month prior to that, I had been wrestling with God about my whole situation. Why would he let me fail like that? Why couldn’t I resist those temptations of the flesh? At times I wanted to run away from Him, and other times I knew He was holding me close. In February, I accepted that my sins were paid for in full. I knew I would be facing consequences, but I didn’t have to burry my head in the sand anymore.

I shared the fact that I was going to become a father with a girl I met at college. She was the only one there that I told because she was the one who I knew I would some day marry. Less than half a month later, my daughter was born and I began to tell others at school. Although the next few years were an incredible time of growth for me, I still struggled with an addiction to pornography.

I would have stretches of time when I didn’t even think about porn, but I would inevitably fall back into it. Each time I went back, it was harder to pull away. As I approached my wedding day in 2004, I thought that I would finally be rid of this addiction. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The urge to look at pornography subsided for a time just like it had in the past, but it came back as intense as before.

A few years into our marriage, I grew tired of feeling like a failure. I could not handle the guilt from lusting after women who were not my wife. I knew it was affecting my relationship with my wife, and I did not want to hurt her, no matter how obvious or hidden, any more. I broke down and shared with her about my problem with pornography. I’d like to say that I never looked at another pornographic image again, but I would be lying. It has, however, been a long time.

I tried programs on my computer that would tell people when I visited questionable sites. I tried having accountability partners to keep me on track. No matter what I tried, I was still plagued by pornography. Finally I just started turning to God. I would pray when I felt tempted. I would open my Bible instead of my computer. I would read Scripture until I fell asleep instead of laying in bed thinking about getting off. When I put God between where I was and pornography, things started to change.

I have yet to arrive though. I still have to consciously choose God and my wife over images and videos on my smart phone. I still have to consciously choose Scripture over eye candy. I still have to look away rather than take that second look when a girl walks by wearing figure-enhancing clothes. I am not free from temptation, but I am free from the grip that Satan had on my life.

When I read through Driscoll’s e-book again, there was one part that I gravitated towards. It is a declaration; a stake in the ground against the lies that Satan wants me and every other man to believe. When I personalize it, it reads:

[I am] not an animal. [I am] the glory of God.
[I am] not a pervert. [I am] the glory of God.
[I am] not an addict. [I am] the glory of God.
[I am] not a victim. [I am] the glory of God.
[I am] not a fool. [I am] the glory of God.

Please pray for me and every other man. Pornography is a disease that is hard to get rid of, and recurs easily. Take a stand against the epidemic. I am praying for you.