Sometime in the late 80’s or early 90’s, I remember a lot of brown grass and not being allowed to play with the hose. A quick search showed a couple of droughts between 1988-1992 where I grew up, the worst being in 1991. Just nine years old that summer, but I remember how dry it was. It’s funny how all I remember about the weather in that area through my twenties and thirties is that everyone complained about how much rain we got and the lack of sunny days.
I generally like the rain these days. I’ve always enjoyed thunderstorms, except for when I was super young and would hide under the coffee table. We don’t get many thunderstorms where we live now, but I like simple rainy days nonetheless. There’s nothing quite like cozying up with a bowl of soup or a hot cup of masala chai while listening to the arhythmic sound of rain that beats any other kind of white noise.
To think about the refreshing and renewing that comes with rain is to glimpse the work of God’s within us. But rain at the wrong time wreaks havoc. Pollination gets delayed and expected yields plummet when rain hits the almond blossoms in spring. Heavy rain after a dry spell can lead to flash floods. And while a shower might be welcome when a wildfire is burning, storms can lead to landslides where burn scars have left the ground unprotected.
I like the rain. But the same thing that refreshes and renews can also leave me soaked to the core and miserable. I’m not talking about the autumn showers that have arrived in the valley. Difficult things are hitting, one after another. And the hits keep coming.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed, but nothing around you was overwhelming?
The past three months have been hard for me to bear and it’s hard to explain why. To be honest, I can only hypothesize the cause of the issues because I don’t really know. Maybe it’s thyroid issues or lack of vitamins. It could be depression or ADHD issues. Or maybe it’s a spiritual battle that is affecting everything else. Whether it’s physical, mental, spiritual, or some combination thereof, I’ve been struggling with focus, motivation, hope, joy, stamina, and perseverance.
I’ve been the epitome of Newton’s first law: My body at rest wants to remain at rest. The things that have always been easy for me have become major tasks that take all of my effort just to start. What should take me a couple hours became week-long tasks. That 30 minute task turned into at least half a day. But those struggles are just the base layer I’m working from.
Is it raining? Is it pouring? Or is this just normal life?
I’m in a credit card lawsuit and have had little to no communication from the law firm handling the case. My iPad slid off of my desk and hit the floor in such a way that the glass completely shattered. I had to fight with a church technology vendor for nearly two months to cancel our account and get a refund for what they charged in the middle of that process. I got a speeding ticket. Our pastor’s wife is facing a major health battle. All around me, people are getting sick, throwing out their backs, taking care of family members, mourning the loss of loved ones, or feeling overwhelmed just like me. Even our family devotional time has felt like a struggle lately.
None of those things are overwhelming to me. Even looking at them cumulatively, I don’t feel dread, fear, or that it’s too much to bear. Most if not all of it is out of my control anyway.
Is it a spiritual battle, a trial, or the process of sanctification?
I tend to shy away from labeling struggles and situations as spiritual attacks. It’s probably because I’ve seen a lot of over-spiritualization when the going is tough. But that’s not to say there’s no credence to the spiritual battle that is constantly being fought.
There are three ideas I often hear when it comes to putting a spiritual label on struggles:
- The enemy is on the attack because God’s about to do something big.
- It’s a test of God to prepare you for something in the future or build your perseverance.
- There must be some kind of sin that you need to repent of and be purified.
It’s not hard to come up with Scriptural support for each of these ideas, but there are some caveats to understand for each:
- Spiritual attack doesn’t automatically mean that breakthrough is coming. Sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that we live in a fallen world with a real enemy.
- God does use trials to shape us and build us, but not every hardship is a test. Some trials are a result of living in a broken world, making poor choices, or spiritual opposition.
- The Lord disciplines those He loves, and there are plenty of examples of that throughout Scripture. But sin doesn’t cause all suffering.
Where am I?
I’ve been reflecting on this for some time but I’m not sure where I am.
I know there are parts of me that need to be sanctified. I’ll be saying that until Christ returns or I stop breathing. For one thing in particular, it’s as if I can see the angel coming towards me with a hot coal from the altar to cleanse me. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I’m facing opposition for the sake of sanctification right now.
Many seasons of my life have been in preparation for where God was leading me next. I’d be naive to say that this is not such a season. But the spiritual weight of this season feels different somehow. I’ve had ideas of what I was being prepared for in the past.
I think it’s far more likely that the spiritual nature of this season is a combination of the first two caveats I mentioned above. When Charlie Kirk was murdered, the shock didn’t just hit the news cycle. It exposed and deepened the division among my Christian friends who hold very different socio-political perspectives. That sounds like a battle tactic to me. When my friend from Pakistan went with me to visit a Sikh temple, the spiritual darkness was tangibly heavy. Words and intentions are twisted and cause schisms in friendships. It’s like the words somehow changed from the time they left one person’s mouth to when they entered the other’s ears. Is that a weapon the prince of the power of the air (Eph. 2:2) might wield?
In this season, I have become more keenly aware of my sin. I’m trying to learn and grow amid trying circumstances. And I’m praying for a breakthrough that is beyond my imagination. Lord, I trust You. Come Jesus, come.