The group of men I meet with Tuesday mornings is finally working through the book (Primal) we chose to read in January. When asked about the time(s) in my life that have been God moments, I couldn’t give an answer. When was my heart was broken for the things that break God’s heart or my soul filled with wonder and my mind filled with holy curiosity? When was I energized by a God-ordained dream? One of the younger guys found it interesting that I didn’t have a moment like that because I had been a part of creating so many for him through middle school and high school. I couldn’t answer because I was trying to think of a big moment of my life or place that I could always go to seek out God.
Sure there have been moments when I have felt more connected to God in my life, but also moments immediately following when I’ve felt far from Him. I’ve started things like reading His Word, writing songs, spending time in meditation, but I always seem to get distracted, lose my focus, and stop. I’m in a moment right now, trying to regain focus and recapture moments like my first short-term mission trip in Costa Rica. It was there that I first read through the book of James. It was there that I first felt the comfort and security of The Spirit around me. It was there that I connected with God through ministry to others. It was there that I got distracted from that fire at the foot of a volcano. Instead of marveling at His wonder in His creation, the debriefing time became more of a vacation at a resort with trips to the lava flow and hot springs.
Now, thirteen years later, I can see that my fire is down to a pile of barely glowing embers. I want to rediscover that fire I had for a week in Costa Rica. I’ve noticed a stirring inside of me over the past few weeks but I couldn’t put my finger on it. All I had to do was read the following excerpt from Primal again to realize what’s going on in me:
Returning to that chapel balcony fifteen years later, I realized that in many ways I had become a paid professional Christian. My heart didn’t beat as strongly as it once did. My pulse didn’t quicken in the presence of God like it once had. So God took me back to a very primal place… I knew getting back what I once had meant…rediscovering and reimagining what it means to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. And somewhere along the way, in my personal quest for my lost soul, I found it… God gave me the compassion, wonder, curiosity, and energy I once had, along with an even greater appreciation for what I had lost and found.
I think a lot of people rediscover their passion in specific places like Mark Batterson refers to here. I don’t think I’m wired that way. If I were to go back to the camp in Costa Rica, all I would find are memories and a camp. It was unhurried time in God’s Word and a mentoring relationship that fueled the fire I had when I was there. I am hoping to rediscover that fuel and reimagine that fire now as I learn to create that unhurried time and engage in new mentoring relationships.