I know the few of you that read my blog have been waiting with baited breath for the next post (yeah right). Sorry for the delay. Over the past week I chose to cut out a couple unnecessary tasks to give me more time to pray and meditate. I’ve been trying to understand my calling for quite a while now, and up until recently I thought I knew what I was meant to do. I assumed that God wanted me to continue what I am doing now until one of two doors opened. Either a worship leading position opens up or a student ministry position opens up at my church. My thought was that I could even use the “technical” skill I have been developing in those two areas if God would just let me lead worship at another campus or let me take over the high school ministry when the incumbent moved on to Pastor another campus (which he has now and I am pumped for him). The past month has gotten me on another train of thought, and this is where we pause and rewind to the events that lead up to my current state of growth.
In the fall of 2008, I took my first two college courses since 2005 to finish my undergrad degree. It had been a long time coming and was weighing on me more and more with each passing semester. So with two classes through Geneva College in the fall, I finished the more expensive half of my needed credits with the help of my employer. That left me with two more classes to take at community college which I signed up to take in the spring. To help you understand why twelve credits in one year is a big deal for me, let me lay it out for you. I work full time at a church (rarely does that mean as little as 40 hours). I also have a family including a now 1 year old, 4 year old, and 8 year old (whom I have to split time with her mother). If that weren’t enough, I also refused to give up volunteering with the youth group and worship teams at my church. I think you get the picture.
In late March, I noticed what I thought was a huge knot on the side of my neck. I went to see my chiropractor and he recommended that I get it checked out by my PCP. After many test, some antibiotics for a sinus infection, and nearly a month, the lump went down. Not hearing anything from the doctors except what it wasn’t, I just left it at that and went on with my life. A lot of people seemed to be worried at the time (especially my wife). Carlos Whittaker’s post about worry finishes off the way I felt through those tests. There was “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding.” I didn’t know why I wasn’t worried, except that I had peace from God. But this trial (if you want to call it that) did not leave me unchanged. There were a lot of people praying for me and I realized how little I prayed. I also realized that I needed to step up as a father/husband/Christian.
Fast-forward a little and we get to the point when I found out about some personnel rearranging that was happening at the church where I work. I saw this as an opportunity to move from the tech world that has consumed me over the past four years into a position that I have desired since I was in high school, to be a youth pastor. As I began the process of pursuing that position, it became obvious that I would not get it. More importantly, I realized where I still need to grow.
Two weeks after I applied for the high school director role, I received this:
It’s official, and I have the paper to prove it. No longer is my education marked ONLY by debt. I am still not going to become the senior high director at my church. At least not right now. But I do feel like I am following God’s will rather than my own for once. That same peace I had with the lump is what I have now. I don’t know what He has in store for me next, but I know He has The plan. In the past, I’ve been frustrated when I haven’t been chosen for open positions in the church. Some of those times I even thought I was the better choice for the job. I don’t have any of those feelings right now right now. I only have peace. So with that peace I will be diligent in my current position and I will continue to volunteer in the two areas that hold my passion. I still don’t know where He is specifically calling me, but that’s ok. Who knows, maybe God will instill a new passion in my life in the coming months/years. I just need to continue with the same attitude I have right now and be willing to follow Him where ever He leads.
I know this was a long post, and I thank you for making it to the end. I hope that you will continue on this journey with me, learning with me and teaching me along the way. My friend Dan Bryan recently started a blog in the form of a conversation with his readers. I hope that this can be a similar experience. I am just writing what is on my mind and heart and about the situations that are growing me. Don’t hesitate to communicate with me here, on twitter, or facebook. Although journaling is a good practice for me, I want to learn from you more than just write my thoughts.
Having been many “interesting” places in my spiritual walk in the last three to fives years, I’ve come to know – and I understand – what you’re talking about here.
There was a time when all I wanted was to (1) be a paid youth pastor/minister/director and (2) be a husband, father and family man. Needless to say, I had all kinds ideas about how I would act and live once I reached these goals
And, needless to say, God had other ideas.
I’ve yet to be blessed to lead a youth group, although I’ve spent most of my time as a volunteer. And I was divorced after two years of marriage. My family doesn’t understand why I’m not pursuing a job in my field and I’ve felt like a failure as a husband.
But, God has taught me a lot, by tearing down my preconcieved ideas and helping me to pursue Him, instead of plans made by men (namely: me).
Which brings me back ’round to the idea of peace. I may not be paid to minister to teens, but I love being a volunteer and I know God put me right where I needed to be. I have peace about where I work (to actually make the money to pay the bills) because I believe God put me there, too, to minister to the students I work with – including one who had lost both parents and one who was in a tough foster situation.
And my theology of marriage and divorce has changed and refined. I have peace about the decisions I made and how I handled myself. That’s not to say I’ve been perfect (I’m not) or that I have no regrets (I do). God, however, led me through some dark days and life altering decisions.
And I have peace about where I am in my life. Its that kind of peace that doesn’t always make sense to those around us and is even less sensical to the outside world.
We are taking a week’s break from our current series in James at church, but conversations in my life keep coming back to “consider it pure joy when you face trials.” In the midst of trials that can be a difficult task, but looking forward through (or more often back on) the trials, the joy becomes easier to understand. The joy and peace come from enduring the trials, knowing that God’s plan is much bigger than our little moments of difficulty. I also love that that joy and peace is multiplied exponentially when we let go and get of glimpse of God’s greater plan.
One of the wisest things I ever heard regarding ministry – especially to young people – is that young people NEED to see Godly business men and women. They need to see that God wants to use them (us) in whatever field (vocation or country) He places us as ministers of the gospel of of His Truth. Don’t be discouraged that you aren’t where you think you should be ministering just because you aren’t an “official” minister. God knows your heart and WILL use your willingness where you are, if you are where HE wants you to be.