Are there people in your life that you avoid talking to? I don’t mean the overly cheerful Starbucks clerk or the random acquaintance that you see maybe once every few weeks. I mean someone who you can’t ever fully get away from. Someone that you are connected to in such a way that severing the relationship would have more consequences than you are willing to bear?
The desire to avoid rather than confront could stem from a multitude of things. Maybe you feel like you’ve wronged them in some way and a mere interaction with them brings on feelings of guilt or remorse. Maybe their demeanor causes discomfort or makes you feel anxious and the dialogue is more of a monologue. Maybe it’s just someone who you don’t get along with. No matter what the reason is, there comes a point when some kind of interaction is unavoidable.
I know I feel a sense of guilt. As a quiet/introverted person, those feelings are amplified when talking to a strong-willed/extroverted person. I know my feelings of guilt are directly related to why we don’t get along, and my avoiding nature causes tensions to grow as time passes. It’s that confrontational moment, when I know I’ve been avoiding a conversation for a while, that my emotions cut my mind off from rational thought, fear overcomes me and I clam up. That’s probably why the dialogue ends up more as a monologue.
None of this would really matter to me if it did not have a direct impact on my family. I want to be able to speak from my perspective but always feeling like I have to apologize makes it even more difficult to get my points across. I’ve even tried to apologize but the responses always seem to imply that not enough time has passed to be forgiven. I don’t know what to do so I continue to avoid. And the longer I avoid, the more likely I am to hear that I am being walked all over and the cycle of confrontation and avoidance starts all over again.
So this is my prayer.
God, help me to be patient. Give me the words to say at the right time and the wisdom to shut up when necessary. I know I am forgiven through the blood of Jesus, but help me to be forgiven by the person I’ve wronged. Help me to forgive myself too. Give me the courage to stop avoiding. You know my desires. If my desires do not line up with Your plan for this moment, please help me and my family to accept that. I am looking for Your guidance. Fill me with Your Spirit so that only words from You come from my mouth. You know my heart and my desire to draw closer to You. I just ask for Your help and wisdom.