Are You testing me or am I just under attack?  I’ve been fine for 5 months and now I’m hit with reminders.  I can’t go a day without thinking about the past.  My attention is drawn to the moments I hated and how I am recreating those moments for my kids.  Everyone deals with it differently.  My method is just moving on right away, but I continue to be drawn back by my family because they have different methods.

I don’t even understand what I feel when I hear that my son is afraid that I am sick and am going to die like his pappap.  I wish I didn’t have to hear that, but I have to know what my family is dealing with and consequently deal with it myself again.  My first birthday without my dad is tomorrow.  It was just another birthday to me until that was brought to my attention.  My wife’s birthday is a week from tomorrow, and a year removed from when my dad went into the hospital.  We celebrated two Thanksgivings last year because we didn’t know if dad would be home or not.  This year marks the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him.  I think January will be the hardest on my family as it holds four birthdays including his.  Is it really necessary to remember all of that?  I don’t grieve that way.  Maybe I just don’t grieve well.

People will surely tell me they are praying for me and my family.  That’s fine, but I’m not sure of what they are praying for.  Are they praying that we’ll feel better?  Are they praying that we’ll move on?  Are they praying that we’ll remember the good times?  What they really need to pray for is that we don’t fall apart in the midst of life that continues on whether we are done grieving or not.  What we really need prayer for is unity as a family.  Regardless of how my family is remembering the past year, there are other aspects of our lives where we need intercessors charging forward.

God, fill us with Your Spirit.  I know that where The Spirit is, there is freedom.  I don’t feel free.  I witnessed freedom this past weekend but seeing does not equate to experiencing.