Guest post from my wife and best friend, Elise:
Over the past few years, there have been many times when I’ve felt like God couldn’t possibly have my best interest at heart. If He did, why didn’t I get this promotion, or why didn’t this happen, or whatever. I have always been the type to stuff my emotions, pretend like I’m fine, and try to move forward. Only behind closed doors do I admit that it hurts and that I’m not as brave as I pretend to be. I’ve even gone as far as to avoid being alone so I never TRULY have to deal with it, or more precisely avoid having to deal with God on the issue.
However, over these past few months, after feeling like God didn’t care about my interests and dreams and desires, I have started to realize how selfish I have become. It’s never easy to admit that I’m selfish or that I have started to think of myself only. Through these realizations, I have discovered a bit about growth (especially emotional) and healing.
Let’s face it, growth hurts. I’m reminded of when I was running in track and the first few days were extremely tough, because my muscles weren’t used to being ripped and working the way I was forcing them to. But, after a few days, it got easier. Only through my muscles breaking and growing back stronger was I able to handle the physical pains of running and getting in shape. It’s the same with spiritual and emotional growth. I’ve found that the times when I’ve grown the most, especially emotionally, have been when it hurts so bad, I can sometimes barely breathe, and I don’t know how I’m going to get up the next day–or the next minute. I find myself then becoming frustrated because it hurts so much, and I begin to become angry because I can’t handle the pain. I then, sometimes, even make matters worse by saying or doing something, getting angry at God, or just simply avoiding the issue. Only then do I realize how much I need God to step in and “fix” me. Only when we’re truly broken can God fix us. Up until that point, we think we can do it on our own. And God is too much of a gentleman to butt in uninvited.
Another thing I’ve realized is how impatient I am when it comes to wanting change and needing healing. Often I want healing right this second, or don’t want to slow down long enough for true healing to occur. So what do I do? I put a band-aid over the seeping wound, to keep it from bleeding all over the place (I mean, how embarrassing would that be if someone saw all my junk all over the floor?) and go on living like nothing happened or is happening. What I really should be doing is letting the wound “air out” and sting a bit so it can truly heal and not fester.
God wants to heal us and make us stronger, emotionally and spiritually, because He made us to be like Him. I believe it truly does break His heart when we are going through emotional or spiritual pain, but He also knows much more than we do, and He sees the finished product. I think He sometimes wishes it didn’t have to be this way, but I also think that growing pains help us to appreciate how far God has brought us, and through the redemption from the pain, He can say “I brought you out of the darkness and into the marvelous light.”
